The Kitty Chronicles

This was originally written in May 2009, but wanted to share it all with my blog readers.  

The Kitty Chronicles

The Kitty Chronicles, how funny. I do have to share with you all, that I HATE CATS!!! I hate everything about them and this story will validate why I feel this way.

The Kitty Chronicles all started last spring. As a mom of 4…… I demand things to be just so and when they aren’t, I have been known to panic, just a bit. With Hubby working in NY at the time, I sometimes have to rely on other “DADS” to give me a hand with things I need assistance with. I am VERY self sufficient but there are a few things that that I will NOT tolerate or handle well.
Well, this one particular day, my neighbor Wayne was my life saver. I had noticed for a few days that my mini “MOM” van was running a bit sluggish and I didn’t know why. I noticed one day that there was a large wire hanging under the van. Maybe this was the reason she wasn’t running so well. I called Wayne across the street and told him that there was a large wire hanging under my vehicle and if he could take a look. Several other neighbors were all chatting in the street and Wayne came as I requested. What a guy! He squatted down to peer under the van and he quickly jumped back and shouted “HOLY SHIT”…… It’s a F’n Cat”. Sheer panic struck. WHAT??? OMG! That large wire that was hanging was indeed the cat’s paw. It appeared that a few days earlier a neighbor a few blocks away had been missing their family cat. It was a large Mane Coon Cat and they were heartbroken. Well….. it appears their Kitty has been found. Wrapped around my wheel well and mangled underneath. Wayne and another friend Weston drove my car to the wooded area of my neighborhood and pried the larger than life cat off of my cars under carriage. From what I was told, it wasn’t an easy job and they had to do it in pieces. YUK! The visual is one I can’t even imagine. I never notified the neighbors about their missing feline….. Was that bad of me? How could I tell them and their children that Kitty was a permanent structure to the undercarriage of my van for a few days? I do feel bad about not telling them, but sometimes things are better left unsaid. This is one time that that statement fit. From that point on I have been dubbed “THE CAT KILLER”. I have some great friends.

The Chronicles continued about 2 weeks later. I was heading to the mall with the van full of my children and their friends. We were driving down Weddington Road when out of nowhere an orange and white tabby cat decided to play Russian roulette with me and my van. He jetted out in front of me and as I stepped on the brakes, I heard a large thud. I obviously clipped the death wish kitty. The kids all screamed and I froze. The cat darted across the road to safety. I am so thankful that it lived. At least that is what I am telling myself…… HE LIVED! The kids still talk about Miss Kelly hitting the cat on the way to the Mall. Nice kids. The Cat Killer lives!

You would think at this point I would be ready to move to an island free of all feline. I wish. Another Kitty incident happened just a few months later. I again was driving down Weddington Road with a large landscape truck in front of me. It was raining hard and it was difficult to see. I cautiously drove along when all of a sudden DA DUNK ……. I drove right over Kitty road Kill. NICE! All I could see behind me was a clump of Kitty hell. I wanted to die. I often wondered if it was that same cat I hit months earlier. Maybe pet cemetery is real and these cats are coming after me. I began to pray.

The curse continued this past Sunday, Mother’s day of all days. I awoke early anticipating a day of reflecting on my past 18 years as a “MOM”. I spent a morning with the kids and was excited that Ike, Wayne, and Wally were preparing a 7 course dinner for the ladies. My special day, yeah right! I decided to take a drive to the local market to get some last minute provisions needed for dinner. I would enjoy the ride on this beautiful day and relish in a quiet moment to myself. After the grocery store I decided to take Route 74 which is much like Route 9 in NY. Traffic was heavy due to it being Mothers day and people were traveling to and from their Mother’s Day destinations. As I drove along, I prepared to get into the inside left turning lane when I noticed the car ahead of me swerve missing something in the road. At this point I was sandwiched between several lanes of traffic, so swerving was out of the question. So I continued cautiously. As I approached the clump in the road….. the clump looked right up at me. It was two approximately 6-8 weeks old kittens cowarding in the road. I stood up on my brakes in order not to hit the poor scared creatures. OMG…. Here we go again. I came to a halt and the kittens quickly scurried under the van. Okay, time to panic. Now I had to get these kittens out from under my car and across 4 lanes of traffic to safety. All I kept saying to myself was…. Why me? I got out of my van with traffic whizzing by, I called 911. A passerby notified me that the kittens appeared to be climbing up under my van. I quickly turned off the engine in order not to add to the kittens’ demise. Within seconds, there were 2 police officers there to help. I informed them what had taken place. They looked puzzled like I was some lunatic. I reassured them and they quickly started to inspect my vehicle. I popped the hood and to their surprise there deep in my cars engine was the 2 kittens. A Good Samaritan in a Ford truck pulled over to assist the officer. Before I knew it, car parts were everywhere. They dismantled half of my engine in order to reach the kittens. I sat in my vehicle feeling like a criminal as passerby’s must have thought it was some major drug bust taking place before their eyes. Guess again! About 10-15 minutes later the officer pull kitten # 1 from the depths of my dismantled Ford engine. The officer had bloody scratches from his elbow to his finger tips. I didn’t ask any questions. I didn’t want to know. He went to hand the kitten to me. NO WAY!!! I have had enough of cats. Within another 10 minutes kitten # 2 emerged unscathed. Thank the Good Lord above. The Good Samaritan worked for the local Ford dealer and he easily reassembled my engine. I couldn’t wait for this nightmare to be over. I thanked the officers and the Ford man and quickly headed home to bathe in a bottle of Sangiovese. What a crazy way to spend a few hours on Mother’s Day. I guess for some odd reason, it was a blessing that I had stopped. These poor babies would not have made it. I was not going to be the one to run them over and live up to my Cat Killer name. I sure hope next Mother’s day is eventless.

So, you ask…. Why do I hate cats? That should answer the question rather clearly.